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Child Going to College? It’s a Transition for Both Student and Parent   

Jim Windell

            I distinctly remember my youngest child going off to college. It was exciting for him. He got to be away from home at a dream university. We helped him unpack and get settled in his dormitory and after lunch bid him farewell. I was excited for him. It was a great opportunity to find himself.

            Within a week, though, I discovered that we weren’t going to spend Saturday’s together, something we had done his whole life. What was I supposed to do on the weekends? I was adrift. I hadn’t thought about this in our planning for him to go to college. I had to adjust my life and find a way of filling the time that we used to spend together. That would require a few months.

            I had never really considered the transition necessary for parents when their kids go off to college. But, of course, I knew I wasn’t the first or only parent who had to adjust to an empty nest when their kid goes to college. I was reminded of this recently when the Penn State Health News released an article on the pride, anxiety, apprehension, and, yes, tears, that parents experience with the college drop-off. In their Medical Minute, Penn State Health News suggests that college drop-off day can be an emotional rollercoaster – one that is difficult to navigate.

           But the article goes on to suggest ways to make the day easier for all involved.

           First, parents need to embrace exactly what the day is. That is, drop-off day is a transition from youth to adulthood that is both inevitable and a rite of passage for many teens.

           According to Dr. Ramnarine Boodoo, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Penn State Health, “It’s important to understand that this is a normal part of life. It’s part of your child becoming an adult. For many people, this is the first time living away from home. And for parents, it’s the first time having a child live away from home. That could be scary for a lot of people. Letting go can be scary.”

           Second, communication is key. Before the trip begins, whether it’s an hour away, out of state or out of the country, Boodoo suggests parents and children have a frank discussion about the transition.

           “The more that parents and children communicate the better, especially if it is open and honest and people are expressing themselves in a genuine way without making the other person feel put upon,” Boodoo, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Penn State College of Medicine, says. “If a parent says to a child, ‘Listen, I’m going to miss you. I’m here for you. It’s going to be hard, but this is a normal thing that you have to go through and I’m OK with that,’ that would be good. Instead of a parent saying, ‘You are going to leave me. I’m going to miss you so much. I feel like I can’t live without you.’ That may make the young person feel guilty. Communicate with that in mind. You don’t want to make the kids feel guilty.”

           The initial conversation should also include a tentative check-in schedule once the student is at school. Should you be in contact weekly? Several times a week? A few texts and then a weekend video or phone chat?

           Boodoo points out that every student and family is different. Therefore, they should agree to a schedule that makes sense for both sides. And stick with it early on, setting boundaries but adjusting if necessary.

           Third, Boodoo suggests keeping it real, but know when to dial it back.

           As the drop-off occurs, Boodoo says, keep that same perspective. “By all means, do your thing. Express yourself, shed tears, hugs, kisses, all that stuff,” he says. “But if a parent has never shown that kind of emotion and all of a sudden the parent is breaking down, then you could see how that might make the child feel like something odd is going on, and think ‘Maybe I shouldn’t move away.’”

           In other words, parents should keep it real, but don’t go overboard when saying goodbye.

           “A mother shedding a few tears, a dad giving hugs and kisses where that isn’t necessarily usual for the family, that’s totally fine because this is a momentous occasion,” Boodoo explains. “But we don’t want anybody to be bawling their eyes out or screaming or yelling or using words like, ‘I’ll never see you again.’”

           The reality is that most students will be home in a few weeks or months, whether that’s fall break, Thanksgiving or the end of the semester. That time in the fall without their offspring gives parents a chance to spend their energies elsewhere, perhaps with younger children, each other or on themselves. Parents may have more available hours for discarded projects or new hobbies now that one child is away.

           Fourth, parents need to let go a little. There should be no surprise visits to campus or calls to professors if your student is struggling in class. Moms and dads must learn to figure out their own situations, as that’s what adulting means. But parents shouldn’t ignore their instincts.

           “You don’t want to be a helicopter parent,” says Boodoo. “But if your gut tells you something is wrong, follow that, especially if your young person is not communicating with you as regularly as they normally do. It might be worth it to ask if everything is okay.”

           Finally, it is important for parents to remember that attending college is an accomplishment. It’s one of the steps parents and children have worked toward for years.

           “It’s important to have some degree of trust in what your child can accomplish and in the skills that you’ve tried to develop in your child for the past 17 or 18 or 19 years,” Boodoo concludes. “This is a way good way to ensure that the child develops normally and remains on par with their peers.”

            To read the original Medical Minute, use this link: https://pennstatehealthnews.org/category/medical-minute/